More of my imaginary Broadway career

I wrote this in a comment to a friend's status update on Facebook. He suggested I put it somewhere more public (more public than Facebook?!) so he can share it with his cow-orkers. Blame him.

As usual, the choice of music is left as an exercise for the Reader.

---

Spiral of Doom

Just sit right back for the conference call
A call that'll take all night,
That started with some Powerpoint
And no agenda in sight.
Facilitatin' this fine mess:
A Man'ger shiny and new,
But his reports they spanned the globe
And none of them had a clue
(Three hours and no clue.)

The meeting started getting rough
And they all blamed the boss,
If not for the drinks in the mini-bars
Action items would've been lost
(But at least they'd all be sauced.)

When that meeting hit hour five and he'd not passed chart two,
The Manager...
Said "Drink up lads!
Put it on the
Expense account.
We'll try again
Same time, next week
And there will be more attendees!"

[imagine a really great montage sequence here]

So this is the tale of a meeting gone wrong,
Stuck there for a long long time.
They'll have to make the best of things,
It's an uphill climb.
The Manager will get his boss
And try their very best,
To make the others sign on to
A plan that's now a mess:
No time, no spec, no budget left
Not a single new resource.
Like Babbage doing Engine work
As primitive as old Moorse.
Don't join us in the Spiral of Doom
This weekly misery
'Cause the fun's not over when we're done,
It's on...to...Version 3.

Paul's Guide to Vienna, Part 2 of 3

Updated June 19, 2011: changed information about live music at the Reznicek. See below.

Paul's Guide to Vienna,

for People who've read the Guide Books and want MORE

Part the Second: Food

Please tell me that you are not a vegetarian. One can get by in Vienna without liking beer; they'll merely think you're touched in the head. Not like wine or coffee and people may avoid you socially. If you don't do meat at all, they may make you leave the country.

But seriously, vegetarians totally miss out in Austria, because the food culture is all about using every part of an animal, whatever the animal (usually pig). However, I will throw in a vegetarian recommendation at the end of the list.

A general note about sit-down eateries in Austria: they tend to be a bit leisurely in their service. It's not that they can't be quick, but the culture here is to have relaxing meals (or coffee, or drinks), so they won't give you the bum's rush if you just want to sit and hang. Plan accordingly if you are on a schedule.

Gasthaus Witwe Bolte

Traditional Viennese food in the historic district of Spittalberg (a former red-light district, so I read). Tends to be crowded with locals and visitors brought there by locals to get authentic Austrian/Viennese food. Tell your local friends (me excepted, of course) that you want to go there and they should be pleasantly surprised, or protest—faintly—because they were just there with the last batch of out-of-towners.

Restaurant Zum Reznicek

Traditional Viennese food, specializing in "innards", though they've cut back in the new menus. (I can still get cow brains and scrambled eggs there, but I know the chef. Note that Austria has never had a case of BSE.) If you go on the second Tuesdays of the month from September to June, you can hear live music for free. Karin's Viennese folk music group, the Liechtenthaler Quartett plays there on second Tuesdays, and I'll be there as well (for the beer as well as the food and music, but also occasionally as recording engineer). Important note: the Reznicek is not open on Saturdays.


Update: As of June 2011, the Liechtenthaler Quartett is no longer playing monthly at the Reznicek. Please check their website or subscribe to their newsletter for future events at the Reznicek and elsewhere in Vienna.

Schnitzelhaus

This is a chain that specializes in, wait for it, schnitzels. You can get turkey schnitzels, as well as turkey versions of the cordon bleu and other dishes. They also have breaded salmon (deep fried) and a veggie patty (microwaved, I kid you not). However, the schnitzels are freshly made (you see them flour, dip, bread, and fry the schnitzels while in line), and they also have brined pork schnitzels (Surschnitzel), which are yummy.

Nordsee

Cafeteria style seafood restaurant chain with hot entrees, salads, and sandwiches. Part of why I like them is probably because we don't really have places like these in California. They're much more like places I frequented in New England. Another place where you can get your food quickly and leave when you need to, instead of experiencing and not necessarily enjoying the somewhat leisurely pace of the average Austrian restaurant.

Trzesniewski

Spreads on breads. It sounds simple, but it's really great stuff. Each portion is about 50% larger than your standard business card, and there are some 15-20 different spreads to choose from. Deviled egg and deviled ham are familiar items, but the tomato spread is particularly memorable (and taste like tomatoes should, not like dried up ketchup). They deal well with tourists, and you can always step up to the counter and point. Go to the one near St. Stephen's (Dorotheergasse 1) and people watch. You can also order beer in "Pfiffs", that is to say, 0.2 liter beer mugs.

Vegetasia (warning, flash on the intro page)

Taiwanese style vegetarian food. All fake meat, all the time, though you should not go there if you have gluten issues. We had our wedding banquet there. Highly amusing to watch our guests (mostly Austrian) trying to guess what kind of meat something wasn't. Also very good, authentic Chinese food.

---

Other food related suggestions:

"Imbiss" or "Beisl" stands (all over, esp. near train/bus/underground stations)

These are "snack" stands. The basic ones sell sausage variants: either in a bun, pigs-in-a-blanket style (confusingly called "hot dogs", e.g. "Hot Dog mit Bratwurst, bitte"), or in bite-sized slices on a paper plate with your choice of condiment (mustard, hot mustard, ketchup, mayo) and/or bread (slices of rye or a roll). The larger ones also sell pizza by the slice. Many sell "Doner Kabap", which is essentially a gyro but in a big bun instead of pita bread. Most sell soft drinks, bottled water, and even gum and candy. They all sell beer.

Naschmarkt

A place where you can get schnitzel, goulash, pho', baba ghanoush, sushi, and pickled herring in a two-block pedestrian zone. It's a collection of semi-permanent buildings, from simple stalls to two story restaurants, selling fresh and cooked foods from all over the former Austrian empire, as well as a significant outpost of Asian and Middle-eastern cuisine. I'm betting that Lonely Planets might even have specific stands they recommend.

Cafes

There are a couple of cafe chains that are considered very good: Cafe Landtmann, Cafe Aida, Linauer. There are also bakery chains that sell cakes and pastries: Der Mann, Anker, Ströck. However, you can wander into almost any cafe in the first district and get decent coffee and desserts. You can, if you wish, go to the Hotel Sacher and get a Sachertorte. Be prepared to pay too much for ok coffee. And, as every Viennese will tell you, their mother (or grandmother) makes better Sachertorte than the Hotel. However, the wait staff at the Sacher are especially good at taking their customers' pictures, with the eponymous dessert fully in frame.

Starbucks

These are, unsurprisingly, all over (though there seems to be only ten of them in all of Vienna); the most egregious one is across the street from the Hotel Sacher. However, Starbucks' No Smoking policy extends to every single one of their (insert large number here) locations around the world. Warning: potentially annoying music (it sounds like every other Starbucks in the world) and lots of tourists who hang out for the fresh air. Extra plus side: 30 minutes of free Wi-Fi with each purchase. But you have to ask for the coupon.

Ice Cream

The Austrians love ice cream. But they seem to be able to turn this love off by the end of October, and save it all up again until the following April, when they go nuts for the stuff again for six to seven months. That's right, ice cream parlors are seasonal. Unless the weather is exceptionally warm, they all close up by Halloween. The commercial stuff can be had in your average grocery store year-round, but it's...commercial.

Glühwein

Mulled wine, usually with cinnamon and sugar. Depending on the weather, this and other hot, alcoholic drinks ("Punsch") may be available in many places. See also "Imbiss" stands and Part Three of this Guide.

Food Vocabulary

"Ketchup" is ketchup, "Mayonnaise" is mayonnaise, "Senf" is mustard, "Scharf" means spicy. Most Austrians treat Tabasco the same way that most Americans treat habañero peppers. Scale your expectations accordingly. "Brot" is both bread and sandwich, the latter usage usually of the open-faced variety. "Toast" is a toasted sandwich (closed). "Salat" is both lettuce and salads in general, though the non-lettuced variety is usually labelled as such; e.g. "Herringsalat". "Kartoffel" is potato, though you will also see "Erdapfel", which is Austrian German. Also specific to Austrian German: "Paradeiser", which is the tomatoe.


Final important food word: "Zumitnehmen": means "to go" (that's "take away" for our British English-speaking cousins).

Non-smoking sections are available in many places. However, eateries tend to interpret that as meaning "don't need an ashtray". You can also have situations like our local mall, which is non-smoking but they have cafes that do allow smoking. They square that circle by having tables out on the concourse be non-smoking, but the tables "in" the cafe (i.e., under the roof of the cafe) are stocked with ashtrays. Coming from the fascistically smoke-free Left Coast, Austria was a bit of a shock, lung-wise. Important note: if you're eating outside, expect to be smoked at, or at least near. (See also "Starbucks".)

Smoking Update

The current (September 2010) smoking ban requires that any establishment larger than 50 square meters (about 550 sq. ft) have a separate smoking room with a closed door. Given that lots of hole-in-the-wall places are not very big, the gastronomically adventurous should be prepared to endure smoking, up close and personal.

Avoid Mexican food here. I've had Mexican food in DC (well, Herndon). This is worse. There is a brand of "Mexican" salsa, tortillas, and corn chips called "Santa Maria" in stores here. The company is based in Sweden. Just saying. (My worst Mexican food experience was in Dublin, Ireland. The Irish should not make Mexican food.)

End of Part the Second

Paul's Guide to Vienna, Part 1 of 3

This is an aggregation of various suggestions I've sent to friends and acquaintances on what to see and do in Vienna (Austria). Once I noticed that I was doing a lot of copying and pasting from older into newer emails, it was clearly time to turn this into a blog post or three.

Updated June 19th, 2011: corrected typos and harmonized citation text styles.

Paul's Guide to Vienna,

for People who've read the Guide Books and want MORE

Part the First: Preparations, Lodging & Sightseeing

Before you leave:

Dante Calling Virgil

These posts are in no way substitutes for a comprehensive guidebook. I have several for Vienna, despite the fact that I live only half an hour away by train. My go-to book is the one from Knopf: Knopf City Guides Vienna. The stand-out feature of the Knopf City Guides are the elevations of the street fronts. They are like Google Street View, but hand illustrated and much better annotated. Your needs may vary, so check out your local library or bookstore. Compare different ones and see which one suits your travel style and schedule. I don't recommend evaluating travel books solely via online sites; you need to actually leaf through them to get a feel for how easy they are to reference. You should also see if they fit into your pockets comfortably. Try not to look furtive when doing so, or you may be approached by security people.

Sprechen Sie Deutch?

Before coming to Austria, most of the German I knew came via Yiddish, and the rest from Hogan's Heroes. In general, you can get by in Vienna without conversational German; most everyone in the tourist industries speak some English and the second language on most signs is English. Having said that, knowing some basics of the local language is always helpful to the traveler. Many guidebooks include a short lexicon, but my money is on a dedicated lexicon/phrase book like the Berlitz German Phrase Book. Not only are these books easy to carry, but they group the words by category/situation. Like the guide books, I recommend looking at these in person before choosing.

There's an App for That

Yes, this advice is more applicable to folks who own smartphones or other connected devices, but even people who have "feature" phones may have useful programs that are already installed or can be added. Currency calculators are always handy, and I had a German/English dictionary on my Palm Pilot back in the day.

With a smartphone, there are more tourist/tourism specific apps, but I would also look to a good navigation app, especially if your phone has built-in GPS. And unless you are prepared to deal with a data plan (see below), get apps that include all the maps you need, instead of something like Google Maps where you'd need to download maps on the fly.

International Roaming

No two other words strike more fear into the budget conscious traveler with a cell phone. Since this varies between carriers and even calling plans, please check with your cell provider on how to activate this and how much it will cost. Don't forget about the data plan. There are also pay-as-you-go services, which involve swapping out your SIM and possibly unlocking and/or jailbreaking your phone. For those of you who understood the last sentence, you might consider Bob for your calling and data needs in Austria. (I use them for my iPad.)

---

Place to stay:


PENSION DR. GEISSLER

Postgasse 14, 1010 Wien, Österreich

I've recommended this to multiple friends as well as my brother when he came out for my wedding. It's inexpensive lodgings that is a 10 minutes walk from St. Stephen's Cathedral, and it's just around the corner from the Schwedenplatz, which is a nexus for public transit. Also, their showers have curtains.

---

Sights:

Wiener Rathaus, Vienna "Town" Hall

Neo-gothic building, which can get pretty old after a while, since there are lots in Vienna. However the plaza in front is a major venue for events all around the year, so it's worth going by just to see what's there. See "Part the Third: Seasonal Notes" for more info.

Bezirkmuseums (District Museums)

Vienna, over the years, has incorporated the smaller towns and villages that grew up outside the original city walls (now the Ring), which define the modern-day "First District" (or just "1st"). While city administration is divided into district offices, there isn't much for the visitor to notice when she crosses district boundaries. The one place where district history is gathered is the local Bezirkmuseum. Aside from general history, these museum often have special exhibits on famous locals: composers, writers, musicians, and the like. Do check the above website on opening times. These are not large places, and tend to have very limited visitor hours.

The Prater

Home of the big ferris wheel ("Riesenrad') best known from The Third Man (and slightly known from The Living Daylights, aka: "Dalton 1" in the James Bond movie series). Good for cityscapes and picture taking. The rest of the Prater is a combination of boardwalk and city park, so all sorts of people wander through. Last time I was there (with friends visiting from California, natch), we saw a man doing hand puppets and a woman shooting video of him. I'm guessing YouTube.

The Danube (Donau) and the Danube "Island" (Donauinsel)

The Austrians dug a canal paralleling the Danube as a means of flood control as well as to ease navigation (they also "straightened" the Danube in the 1850's). In doing so, they created an "island", which is just the stretch of land between the canal and the main Danube channel. It's another, relatively seasonal place, with restaurants, bars and clubs that cater to the summer crowd of sun-worshippers and vacationing families. There are also art exhibitions and theaters. As far as I know, there are no boats regularly navigating the Danube named "Proud Mary". There are paddle boats, though, but not of Mississippi-esque proportions. There are tours, but you should be careful about not accidentally ending up on the Bratislava or Budapest ferries. On the other hand, there are some nice Turkish baths in Budapest....

Hundertwasserhaus

I've not been inside this building, so I can't confirm the undulating floors. However, the exteriors are definitely wild, and I imagine the tiling contractors are still suffering from PTSD. Very cool, but there's not much to it once you wander around the building once or twice.

MuseumsQuartier

This whole complex is dedicated to "modern" art, with museums, shops, theater spaces, and offices. There are art installations in the open courtyards, including a series of concrete blocks that look like giant, pink erasers with holes in them large enough for a person to sit or lie in. These things get moved around all the time for various "shows". I'm not sure I get any of it, but it's fun to look at and wander through.

Imperial Apartments, Hofburg

Sisi (Empress Elisabeth) is Austria's version of Princess Di, and the Imperial Apartments are, if not a shrine to Sisi, at least a semi-dedicated museum. They've recently re-done the whole Sisi wing, which I've been told by a Viennese docent as being very well put together, but the shrine-like quality has only increased.

Heeresgeschichtliches Museum

The Military History Museum. It is full of sharp and pointy things. It is full of things that go boom. It has some cool uniforms, including a couple from Franz Joseph. It is worth noting that Austria calls the period from 1939 to 1945 "the dictatorship". In fact, Austria does not claim to be a country during that time. While technically true, I find this stance to be more than a bit facile. However, the Second World War section of the museum is otherwise stunning, including some very interesting art installations.

And if the Imperial Apartments is Sisi's Shrine, then the Heeresgeschichtliches Museum is a reliquary for Archduke Franz Ferdinand. On display in its late-19th and early-20th century Wing: the car that the Archduke was shot in, his bloody uniform and the chaise longue on which he died.

Stadtpark, Strauss Statue

This tends to be touristy, not least because of the webcam on the statue, so people arrange to be on it so their friends at home can see. However it's a good green space with lots of freeloading ducks, pigeons and swans.

Schönbrunn Palace

Reasonably impressive building. Unless you've seen the Hermitage or the Sun King of the Hill: Versailles. Nice zoo.

Haus des Meeres, Vienna Aquarium & Terrarium

Built in a former anti-aircraft tower ("Flakturm") it's probably the most vertical aquarium you'll ever see. Great for kids, and even a bit of WWII history. We always try to get sushi before or after a visit.

The Torture Museum

It sits underground in a corner of the park where the Haus des Meeres is (you can see it from the Haus des Meeres' entrance). I've not been, but I'm told that it's not that different from other, Old Europe torture museums. My son went when he was five, but was apparently unaffected.

End of Part the First

Part the Second