Some thoughts on the Watchmen movie

Saw the Watchmen movie last Saturday (Mar 7) in Vienna. Enjoyed it very much, even though I had to watch the German dub (the English version will probably not get here before June; they're not getting Slumdog Millionaire until April). Sadly, my German is not good enough to catch the subtleties of the dialog, so it was probably a good thing that the writing team lifted so much of it directly from the comics. However, that did mean that I spent quite a bit of the movie actually looking at the images, which is a significant part of the movie going experience, after all.

So, I can't really review the movie when I haven't actually experienced it fully, but I can (and, of course, am going to) say a couple of things about the quality of the differences between the movie and comic (hereafter "Movie" and "Comic"). I'll try to avoid spoiling anything. But, if you're the kind of person who doesn't want to know anything about a movie before going into it, you should stop reading right now. Also, if you haven't read the Comic, ur Graphic Novel Comic (dammit) this may not make a lot of sense.

You have been warned.

---

So Zach Snyder has not quite repeated what he did with Frank Miller's 300. That's a good thing. It wasn't that 300 was a bad movie, but I would argue that the movie was more-or-less a remake of Frank Miller's comic book, which was all but a kind of full fledged storyboard/pre-vis for the movie that was running through Miller's head, and which eventually come out via Zach Snyder (though not quite in the same way that Robert Rodriguez's Sin City relates to the comics, but I'm not going there in this post).

As a fan of the Comic, I loved seeing many of the iconic "shots" show up in the Movie (though not the symmetric centerfold from issue #5, AKA "Fearful Symmetry"). However, I'm not alone in wondering if viewers new to the story get the same frisson from those scenes that even blew Dave Gibbons away for the attention to detail on matching the Comic. Roger Ebert mentioned in his blog that he was a bit lost in the first viewing, though he still enjoyed it even as someone who hadn't read the Comic. Any other non-Comic reader feel that way?

The thing that absolutely blew me away was the opening credit sequence. In what could only have been a couple of minutes, Snyder condensed an enormous amount of background material; essentially giving the audience a series of thumbnail sketches of this alternate reality in a handful of moving tableaux. In particular, I really liked the Dr. Manhattan/JFK bit, partly because I had issues with the insertion of Tom Hanks into historical footage of LBJ in Forrest Gump. And as a not-so-subtle wink to the comic origins of the Movie, these sequences were composited like multi-planar cartoons, where different characters were on different planes, and they moved at different speeds as the camera pans, creating the illusion of depth. Of course the "cut-out" quality of the movement defeats any suspension of disbelief from the opening sequence, which is very meta; sort of like Snyder is telling us: look at this animated comic of the movie I made from a comic book.

One thing that did surprise me was the bloody-mindedness of the Movie, which in retrospect, made perfect sense. For the Rorschach bits, clearly there needed to be Blood (apropos Stoppard's "The Player" in Rosencrantz and Gildenstern Are Dead). What caught me off guard was the sheer viciousness of Nite Owl and Silk Spectre, particularly in their first fight scene. Again, Snyder is working well within the Comic's canon; and it's obvious in hindsight that this is exactly what Alan Moore had intended with these characters. I, like many who read mostly Comics Code-compliant titles while growing up, was certainly conditioned to an almost antiseptic version of personal violence in comics, as typified (and only slightly parodied) in the "Biff!", "Pow!" and "Bam!" of the Batman TV series. Even recent, comic-based film outings suffer a form of reality distortion (at least for the "hero"). How many fingers did Batman break in succession on one person? How many necks did Iron Man snap with his (enhanced) hands)? How many limbs did/will Wolverine sever with his adamantine claws? Those are supposed to be things the bad guys did, which of course, brings us right back to the name of the Comic and Movie.

Right. That's probably enough for now. Though did anyone else hear a little Blade Runner-esque Vangelis in the scene where Dan Dreiberg is walking home in the rain? Hmmm.

100 Most Important Books to Read Before You Die: Part 1

2009-02-21 22:28 CET - Update: Fixed missing word and added tags.

To give proper credit, friend Jason originally asked (on a private mailing list) for recommendations on the "100 Most Important Books to Read Before You Die". Some of his criteria are (and I quote/paraphrase):

• Important

As in changing "the way a people think or act, or exemplifies human action or emotion to a defining degree.


• Diverse

Fiction or non-fiction are ok, and from any discipline, genre and culture.


• Insightful

"Having read the books on the list, one should feel insight into what it means to be human, what humanity has accomplished over its history and why, and what we think about the universe around us and why."


• Clearness over originality

E.g. a later, more accessible work on a subject that is better than an earlier, more "scholarly" work.


• Factual for its time

"Non-fictional" works that are founded on now discredited information should not be disqualified, as long as those works give us insight to their times.

Jason started us off with the Old Testament, which is certainly Important, somewhat Diverse, Insightful, not so Original, and Factual, for its time.

Here, then, are my first 10 suggestions, with more or less reverent (or relevant) commentary. I continue with Jason's religious theme:

1. The New Testament

If you're going to read the Bible, read both parts. You should balance out the Thou-shall-not's with some Blessed-are-the-meek's. I'm a fan of the King James Version, probably because I worked out of it during my Puritan years at RenFaire.



2. The Five Gospels: What Did Jesus Really Say? The Search for the AUTHENTIC Words of Jesus by Robert W. Funk & the Jesus Seminar

This a great follow-up to the New Testament. Plus, it really opens up the reality of modern biblical scholarship to the lay person.



3. The Qur'an (Koran)

This [is] on my personal list to read, though I'm still looking for a reasonable English translation.



4. The Golden Bough by Sir James George Frazer

How can anyone not want to read about the priests of Diana and what they got up to at Aricia? Strike that. If you have any interest at all in the roots of European belief systems, especially those which have been masked or erased by the rise of Christianity, then this is the book to read. If you just want some nice stories to read to the kiddies, might I suggest:



5. Bulfinch's Mythology by Thomas Bulfinch

The Antics of the Olympians, rated "G" for "gag me with a spoon". I believe that Bulfinch is singularly responsible for the strategically placed hair of the female centaurs in Fantasia.



6. The Iliad by Homer (sort of)

As much as some might decry the recent Troy and the less recent (and way more Dr-Who-with-a-budget) Clash of the Titans, you can see where the writers of even the cheesiest movies with Greek mythological themes have not strayed all that far from the source. Just don't call it "The Curious Case of the Son of Peleus".



7. The Epic of Gilgamesh

Wacky stuff. Honest. But incredibly influential on "Western" literature from the Old Testament on. E.g. there are clear echoes of Gilgamesh & Enkidu's first meeting in the Robin Hood/Little John and Arthur/Lancelot first encounters. More Gilgamesh goodness can be found here.



8. Tipitaka & Mahayana sutras

If there were "core" texts for Buddhism, then these are it. Apparently, the path to Enlightenment goes through the Wood of Schisms, so just one text doesn't cut it.




9. The Mahabharata of Krishna-Dwaipayana Vyasa, translated by Kisari Mohan Ganguli

This is the original Hinduism for Dummies. For those with enormous bladders, try the video version directed by Peter Brook.



10. Tao Te Ching/Daodejing (The Tao and its Characteristics) by Laozi, translated by James Legge

No matter how you transliterate it, Taoism is still the least well understood of the Chinese contribution to world culture. (It's clearly not as flashy as fireworks, nor as yummy as Peking Duck.) The actual Tao Te Ching is not very long (5000 Chinese characters, as the brush writes), but you have to deal with the various commentaries. It's the hazard of reading a language that is half composed of allusions.

---

Bonus Item:

Blogging the Bible by David Plotz at Slate.com

It's like a reading the inner monolog of the person tasked to write The Old Testament for Dummies. Last I heard, he's working on turning these essays into a book. He's also considering doing the same thing with the New Testament.

Maxtor is Dead to Me

The following is an IM exchange between me and Maxtor/Seagate support:

Hello. How may I help you?

Paul T.S. no name: Hi. I just bought a OneTouch4 Plus and failed to format it under OSX 10.5. The support page for the drive says I can email Tech Support to get a link for the software that allows HFS+ formatting under Leopard, but the link to Tech Support expects me to register in your database. I DO NOT wish to register. I DO NOT want to be on a mailing list. I want software that makes your product work with my computer as advertised.

Jared J.: its not going to put you on a mailing list it does that so it can send you the correct software

Jared J.: there are people out there that want software that shouldn't work with there drive and some of stuff has encryption which can't be used in certain courtries so we have the registration process to avoid international trade issues

Paul T.S. no name: There is absolutely no technical reason for your process to require my email. Product ID, serial number and country of origin is all you need.

Thank you for using Seagate products. You may now close this window.

Your session has ended. You may now close this window.

---

30 Minutes Earlier

I bought a Maxtor OneTouch 4 Plus drive and started to reformat it before looking at all the documentation. While it would format to Fat32 and NTFS (under MacFUSE) just fine, the volume erase command fails when I tried HFS+. When I finally check the docs, I find out that to format under Leopard, I have to run this piece of software that came on the drive only. Ok, so I'm an idiot for not checking the software on the drive. But Maxtor is brain-dead for not including the software on the CD that comes in the box.

So I go to Maxtor's site to download said software. It bounces me to Seagate (fine) and I navigate down to the download area for this drive and eventually get this message:

If you have erased the software and need to obtain replacement software for your hard drive, contact Seagate Technical Support by email. [emphasis mine]

If you click on the Seagate Tech Support link, you don't see a list of email addresses. You get a SalesForce generated login page, in which you have to root around before finding out that if you were not registered, you need to click on the "Register and Create a Support Case" link. Of course, you'd first encounter a secure certificate mismatch dialog, because Seagate apparently registered "sso.seagate.com" for the certificate, but is serving these pages from "apps1.seagate.com". I then tried to find an email address from the Contact Us page. Guess where it redirected me: back to the apps1.seagate.com login page. So I clicked on the IM link from the Contact Us page and the above is the result.[1]

So Maxtor is now Dead to Me.

Epilogue

I managed to work around this problem by booting up my Powerbook that's running 10.4 and formatting it there. Once that worked, I can reformat it in HFS+ all I want under Leopard. I still don't have the "official" Maxtor software, but I don't need it since I'm not using their drive encryption apps.

---

[1] Now, it's unclear if they disconnected my chat deliberately or not. It appears that their chat system is a bit eager to boot people. However, it also doesn't use audio feedback when a new message comes in, so waiting for an available agent requires 100% of your attention.

Fixing iTunes 8 Podcast Refresh with AppleScript

I have a problem.[1] I am addicted to podcasts. I blame Leo Laporte whose "netcasts" were some of the first I subscribed to, and who just kept adding more shows to the TWiT network.

But that's not my real problem. My real problem is that Apple added one feature to iTunes 8 when they should have added two, or even three. iTunes 8 let users set the refresh frequency (and other attributes) on a per-podcast basis. This is a reasonable feature as far as it goes, though even daily podcasts tend to be somewhat irregular in their posting time.[2]

The problem is that while I can now tweak the individual podcasts, I can't seem to consistently apply an overall setting for the update frequency. The UI is ambiguous: the "Use Default Settings" checkbox is underneath the "Settings for:" drop down, which has a horizontal rule separating it from the "Check for new episodes:" drop down. Even worse, I can't manually enter a time or date for the update schedule. The whole point of having iTunes update my podcasts automatically is so that I don't have to get up at 5:30 AM and click the damn "Refresh" button myself, not even the first time to get the ball rolling. UI Fail.

Admittedly, a comprehensive UI for configuring various podcast options might end up looking like Cast Away from Wooden Brain Concepts.[2] That might be a bit too much for most users, but the failure of iTunes to include a simple date/time entry box seems pretty stupid.

That said, I did come up with a relatively simple solution using AppleScript and iCal. I did try it first with Automator, but it didn't give me access to podcast updating actions, and recording a "See Me Do" workflow failed because Automator was recording the name of the Podcasts "row" in iTunes and the number of podcasts. So instead of just matching on "Podcasts", it would try to match on "Podcasts (100)", which of course changed every time podcasts were added and deleted. FAIL.

The actual solution was to delve a bit into AppleScript and create the following script:

tell application "iTunes"
	updateAllPodcasts
end tell

I saved it as an application, then created a new event in iCal which opened this application as an alarm action at 5:35 AM, repeating daily. In theory, I can now create another event to update my iPhone, and this I can do using an Automator workflow.

Now I can sleep soundly at night, knowing that I'll get all my podcast updated before I have to get up for work. At 5:45 AM.

---

[1] There are many other problems like it, but this one is mine.

[2] And I'm not sure I ever understood the "update hourly" setting for podcasts. Really, you really need to check every hour for something that you might not listen to for days? And if you are listening to something every hour, why isn't it just being streamed? Sounds like some OCD designer/programmed added the option for completeness only.

[3] Playing with Cast Away right now. Lots of interesting features, but nothing obvious for explicitly setting podcast update times.

The Road to Carpathia

I wrote this back in 1999 for PEERS' annual Bal des Vampires. It is actually a sequel to a 1997 skit. If the characters seem weirdly familiar, it's because they are.

The Road to Carpathia

A Skit in One Unnatural Act

By Paul T.S. Lee

 

The Players

Vladdy Ricardo (Paul Lee): An alter ego of the Count, Vladdy comes from the Little Havana part of the Carpathians. He is a band leader first (Vladdy Ricardo's Latin Orchestra), a vampire second.

Lucy Ricardo (Ruth Chow): A native of California, she met Vladdy while attending Columbia (he worked swing shift at the med school blood bank and bussed tables at the Bat Cave, a vampire club in Spanish Harlem). Lucy knows that Vlad is a vampire, but hopes that modern science might have a cure soon.

Vladdy Ricardo Jr. (LW Boy): Also known as Little Wooden Vlad, Little Vladdy, or just Vladdy Jr. He is about to turn 3. He is not quite a vampire, nor is he entirely human. Neither modern science nor literary criticism theory is able to explain Vladdy Jr.'s existence or status, which is just fine with the Ricardo's.

Ethel Mertz (Jessica): Lucy's best friend and upstairs neighbor. She thinks Lucy's big secret is that Vladdy does not have a green card.

Fred Van Helsing Mertz (Steve George): Ethel's husband and a friend of Vladdy's. He doesn't care that Vladdy doesn't have a green card (Vladdy does), but wonders if the Ricardo's will raise Vladdy Jr. as a Catholic.

Mina "Boom-Boom" Harker (Jennie Redwitz): Exotic dancer, occasional dance instructor, and ex-girlfriend of Vladdy. She is managed by her husband, Johnny.

Jonathan "Johnny" Harker (Greg Chow): Former lawyer, now full time manager for Mina. Favorite singer: Frank Sinatra.

 

The Props

LW Boy

Basket for Little Vladdy

Sign: "Ricardo Residence"

Sign: "A While Later"

Sign: "Welcome Carpathia High Grads"

 

The Script

Cathleen comes up towards the front of the hall, well before the stage, and speaks to the guests.

Cathleen: And now, let us imagine a different history for Vlad the Impaler; one in which he was drawn to a different Lucy... a more modern Lucy...

 

Act I, scene 1

INT. RICARDO RESIDENCE

["I Love Lucy" theme begins, enter VLADDY. Music fade out 5 seconds after entrance.]

VLADDY: Babaloooo! Honey, I'm home!

Enter LUCY from opposite side.

LUCY: Hi Vladdy, how was the rehearsal?

VLADDY: Not so good. The boys are tired of playing the same old tunes, and I just can't seem to find the time to write some new ones.

LUCY: Poor Vladdy. I think you need a vacation.

VLADDY: Maybe chou're right. We haven't had one since little Vladdy Jr. came along.

LUCY: Of course I'm right. You work all night and sleep all day.

VLADDY: That's not fair, sweetheart. I'm a vampire. I have to work nights.

LUCY: Wah!

VLADDY: Oh honey, please don't do that. It gives me such a headache.

LUCY: [pauses] WAH!!! WAH!!!

VLADDY: Uh, uh, look honey. Mail from the old country. Maybe I get a chance to take you and the band on the road.

[Hands one letter to LUCY, opens and reads other.]

VLADDY: "To Herr Frederich Van Helsing Mertz," Hey, this is for Fred! I didn't know his mother was a Van Helsing. I wonder if he is related to the other one. [Continues reading.]

"We regret to inform you that your great uncle, Abraham Van Helsing, passed away in his sleep on 1st May." They are related! Ay yai yai. Fred, a Van Helsing.

LUCY: "From: Carpathia High Class Reunion Committee"
"To: Count Vladimir José Estephan Hohenzolleren Consuela de Soto Ricardo,"

It's from your high school, dear. I think it's an invitation.

VLADDY: "It was Herr Van Helsing's final wish that you should receive the Van Helsing family legacy and some portion of the estate. To expedite matters, we have booked passage by ship and train to Carpathia for you and your wife. We hope to see you soon.

"Yours sincerely,

"Hawkins, Seward, Holmwood & Morris, Esquires"

LUCY: "Dear Count, As part of our special reunion celebration, we would like to invite you and your Latin Orchestra to come and play at the Reunion Ball. We hope that you and the band can come.

"Yours sincerely,

"Carpathian High Reunion Committee"

VLADDY & LUCY: [together] Honey, we have to go to Carpathia

VLADDY: What? Lucy, you're talking crazy again. This is serious. Fred is a Van Helsing!

LUCY: What does that have to do with you?

VLADDY: Van Helsing was a famous vampire hunter. He nearly caught me a couple of times before I decided to come to America.

LUCY: Do you think that Fred is going to find out who you really are?

VLADDY: Not if I can help it.

LUCY: But you can. You and the band just got an invitation to your high school reunion. They want you to play at the ball.

VLADDY: Really?

LUCY: What if we go with Fred and Ethel? You can keep them out of trouble and find out what this legacy is, and Fred won't suspect a thing.

VLADDY: That's a great idea honey. Here, let's seal this letter back up and get it to Fred. Then bring him and Ethel back here. Don't forget to act surprised when I mention that we're going to Carpathia.

LUCY: OK. [exit LUCY]

Hold up sign: "A little later...." Enter FRED, followed by ETHEL and LUCY.

FRED: Vladdy, you home?

VLADDY: Oh, hi Fred. How are you?

FRED: You'll never guess what I just got in the mail.

VLADDY: What's that, Fred?

FRED: Boat and Train tickets to Carpathia. My great uncle on my mother's side passed away, and I have to go over there to claim my inheritance.

VLADDY: What a coincidence, Fred. I just got an invitation to my high school reunion in Carpathia.

[Enter ETHEL and LUCY.]

ETHEL: Did you say Carpathia?

VLADDY: Sure did, Ethel. [to Lucy] Honey, we just got an invitation for my high school reunion in Carpathia next month.

LUCY: Say. I have an idea. Since we're all going to Carpathia, why don't we see if we can travel together?

ETHEL: That's a wonderful idea. Lucy and I can go shopping while you boys play shuffleboard.

FRED: Now don't start spending money we don't have yet, Ethel. How about it, Vladdy? Maybe you can show us some of the sights back home.

VLADDY: Sure Fred. There are lots of sights to see on the Road to Carpathia.

ETHEL: Come on Lucy, let's go pick out something to wear on the Road to Carpathia.

ALL TOGETHER: [singing] We're off on the Road to Carpathia We certainly do get around.

Boom, chica boom, chica boom, chica boom, chica boom, chica boom, etc.

[Exit all in a conga line as singing fades out]

 

Act I, scene 2

INT. CASTLE W/SIGN "Welcome Carpathian High Grads"

[MINA is doing warm-up exercises, while Johnny watches. Enter VLADDY, LUCY, FRED, ETHEL, in same conga line from scene 1.]

VLADDY: Mina, long time no see. You remember my wife Lucy. And these are our friends, Fred and Ethel.

LUCY: Hello, Mina.

MINA: Hiya Lucy. Hiya Vladdy. Ethel, Fred, nice to meet you. This is my old man, Johnny.

JOHNNY: Howya doin'? You folks comin' to see Mina's number at the dance?

FRED: Actually, I have to be at the lawyer's office. We were suppose to get here before dark, but the sun sets awfully early around here, and I'm afraid I'm running la....

ETHEL: [Interrupting] Are you the Mina "Boom-Boom" Harker? Arrested in 27 states and Canada?

MINA: Always glad to meet a fan. That's 28 states now, and Puerto Rico.

ETHEL: Gosh, I've always wondered what you do in your act. Every time I get to that part in the newspaper, Fred takes it away.

FRED: [Interrupting] Well, Ethel, obviously Mrs. Harker is quite busy getting ready for her ah, ah, ah....

MINA: "Performance?"

FRED: [Relieved] "Performance." We shouldn't disturb her any longer.

MINA: That's all right, Fred. The girls can stay and watch. You boys will just have to wait 'till the show.

VLADDY: Come on Fred. Why don't you go see if the lawyers are in. Johnny and I need to check on the band. We'll see you girls back at the hotel.

[Exit VLADDY, JOHNNY, FRED.]

LUCY: [To MINA] So. You and Vladdy dated.

MINA: When I was younger. Anyway that was ages ago. You don't have anything to worry about. Johnny is the man for me.

LUCY: Well....

MINA: You probably wouldn't care if I did something else for a living.

LUCY: No, I guess not.

MINA: Lucy, honey. You may not believe it, but I have helped keep more couples together than you know.

ETHEL: How do you do that?

MINA: Dancing lessons.

ETHEL & LUCY: Dancing lessons?

MINA: Girls, every woman can do what I do on stage. It just takes a little professional coaching.

ETHEL: Really?

MINA: Sure, hon. Watch.

[dancing lesson to the song "Hell" by Squirrel Nut Zippers]

[MINA begins by show some burlesque moves. ETHEL enthusiastically tries steps, pulls LUCY in, who is reluctant at first. As lesson progresses, she gets more into it. Actual dance steps TBD.]

MINA: So you see, girls, with some imaginative costuming and a few of these moves, you can keep your man interested for a long time.

ETHEL: Gee, thanks Mina.

MINA: Anything for Vladdy's friends.

LUCY: Yeah, thanks Mina. Gosh, Ethel, we should get back to the hotel and change for the dance. See you after your show, Mina.

MINA: See you later, girls. And keep practicing those steps.

[Exit LUCY & ETHEL to side room, giggling.]

 

Act I, scene 3

INT. Same as before. Enter VLADDY & Johnny.

JOHNNY: Hi honey. How did the lesson go?

MINA: Just fine. Say, Vladdy, that Lucy of your can really dance.

VLADDY: Thanks Mina. Listen, you two. I need your help. My friend Fred is a relative of Van Helsing.

JOHNNY: Not the Vampire Hunter?!

VLADDY: Yes. And the family lawyers have told him that there might be vampires at the reunion tonight, so he's coming to stake us out.

MINA: How do you know about all this.

VLADDY: The lawyers told me. Professional courtesy.

JOHNNY: We can't let him find out anythin'.

VLADDY: That's where I need your help. Could you two keep him occupied when I'm leading the band.

MINA: Sure thing, hon.

VLADDY: Thanks. [Looks at watch] Gotta go do the last sound check. Mina, I'll cue your entrance as soon as the second set is over. [Exits]

JOHNNY: Eh, Mina, I have an idea.

MINA: Really?

JOHNNY: Yeah, and it'll take care of this situation, permanently. Here's what you're gonna do.

[Exits whispering to each other.]

 

Act I, scene 4

[At the ball, backstage. Entry music the last 10 seconds of "Hell".

Enter VLADDY and MINA.]

MINA: Thank you, thank you. You are all too kind.

VLADDY: Let's have another round of applause for our very own Mina "Boom-Boom" Harker. [pauses] And now, some more music from the islands. [to Mina] Nice show, Mina.

MINA: Thanks, doll. A lot of familiar faces out there we haven't seen in decades.

VLADDY: Centuries. I told the committee that if they made it a costume ball, people will come. You know how many of us like to live in the past.

MINA: Not me, honey. Every night's a new night for me. You taught me that.

[Enter JOHNNY, escorting LUCY.]

JOHNNY: 'Nother great show, Mina. Hey, Vladdy, she dance, or can she dance!

Enter FRED and ETHEL.

ETHEL: Great show, Mina.

MINA: Thanks, hon. You're doing pretty good yourself out there.

FRED: Yeah, Mina. I don't know what you taught Ethel, but I haven't had this much fun on the dance floor in years.

MINA: Well, Fred, you ain't seen nuthin' yet. [to ETHEL] Can I borrow him for a spin?

ETHEL: If Lucy doesn't mind me borrowing Vladdy for a dance.

JOHNNY: Bada-boom, bada-bang. And Lucy can dance with me.

FRED: [to MINA] Mind if we stop by the buffet first? I could sure use a bite.

MINA: What a coincidence! That's just I was thinking. [Holds out hand to FRED. FRED leads MINA off stage.]

[Other couples begin to dance. Jokes go back and forth.]

LUCY/VLADDY: What's a Vampire's favorite cocktail?

A: Bloody Marys.

JOHNNY/LUCY: What's black and white and red all over?

A: A vampire at dinner time.

ETHEL/VLADDY: How many vampire hunter does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Three: one to drive in the stake, one to cut the base off, and one to stuff garlic in the socket.

VLADDY/JOHNNY: What's a Vampire's favorite cut of meat?

A: A steak.

LUCY/ETHEL: What does a Vampire love with his morning croissant?

A: Coffin-au-lait

ETHEL/JOHNNY: Why aren't there any Jewish vampires?

A: Because blood isn't kosher.

LUCY: Hey Johnny, how did you and Mina meet?

JOHNNY: It was love at first bite.

[While jokes are happening, FRED gets "bitten". Wait for scream cue from FRED.]

ETHEL: That sounded like Fred. [Rushes to FRED] Oh my God. Somebody help. He's white as a sheet.

VLADDY: Oh, oh.

LUCY: Vladdy, do something.

VLADDY: It's too late, honey. [to Fred] Fred, Fred. Can you hear me?

FRED: [Fred channels Bela Lagosi] I can hear everything. Do you hear them out there.

[Sound cue for wolf howls] The Children of the Night. Such music.

VLADDY: Cut it out Fred. You lost blood. That doesn't give you an accent.

FRED: Oh.

ETHEL: What happened, Fred?

FRED: I went to the buffet with Mina, and then she bit me.

MINA: Oh, oh. I think we used the wrong plan, Johnny.

JOHNNY: [to FRED] Hey there, big guy. No offense, we were just trying to help Vladdy and keep you out of trouble.

VLADDY: Well, it's too late now.

ETHEL: What do you mean, too late? He's walking and talking. Really pale, but walking and talking.

VLADDY: Ethel, your husband is now a Vampire. He will need fresh blood every two or three days. Unless someone puts a stake through his heart, cut his head off, and stuff his mouth full of garlic, he will live forever.

ETHEL: Wah!

LUCY: Don't cry, Ethel. You'll get use to it. After all, Vladdy is one of them.

ETHEL: Really? I don't see him going hunting every night.

VLADDY: No, no. Too much work. I'm part owner of a blood bank. Twice a week, I drop by for a transfusion. When I travel, I carry it in powder form. [pulls out zip lock bag, begin commercial section]

Tired of hunting down your meals when far from home? Try Vladdy's "Hemo-Quik[tm]". Just add water. One little box can last you a week.

LUCY: [Pulls out bottle] And when you're feeling run down, try Vita-veta-vegamin. [takes a swig] That's Vita-veta-vegamin. [Another swig; staggers]

VLADDY: Ok, honey. That's enough.

ETHEL: So everything will be alright?

LUCY: It takes a little getting use to.

MINA: But you will get to buy him a whole new wardrobe.

ETHEL: Oh, shopping!

MEN TOGETHER: Girls....

LUCY: Oh hush. We'll be getting a few things for ourselves too. Dancing costumes.

JOHNNY: Bada-boom, bada-bing. If you know what I mean.

FRED: Well, if I'm going to stay up all night, let's dance!

VLADDY: That's the spirit, Fred. Hit it boys. Conga line!!!

[Exeunt Omnes Congus]

FIN

Copyright 1999, 2008 by Paul T.S. Lee

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0 Unported License.

Intermittent Quality

Who programs rain-sensing intermittent wipers? Have they actually driven in the rain? In traffic? In a car with a windshield?

I've driven two cars with rain-sensing wiper systems. Two is a poor sample rate, but since I drive/drove them all the time, and one of them in a place where rain is not seasonal, my sample rate of their performance is very high. And I have zombie Richard Feynman on my side.

Our Toyota Corolla Verso[1] has four levels of "rain" sensitivity, as well as two, fixed speed settings. To me, this implies a speed spectrum like this:

0 - 0.2 - 0.4 - 0.6 - 0.8 - 1 - 2

This was certainly the case in all the cars I've driven that had variable speed wipers that were directly controlled by the driver.

However the actual spectrum I get on the Verso is:

0 - WTF! - 1 - 2

Changing the variable setting doesn't seem to affect the sensitivity of the system. What's more, the lowest sensitivity setting will cycle the wipers as fast as the highest setting. What??!!

This is not rocket science, people. Regardless of how much the "rain sensor" is a technical black box, the data it outputs should be some normalized value which reflects how "wet" the windshield is, which is compared against a trigger value that's associated with what the driver has set.

And this is probably one of the easiest features in a car to test. You don't need a track, you don't even need most of the car. A correctly configured windshield and wipers and a couple of spray bottles will iron out 80% of the bugs in the system. The other 20% will require misters and a shower head.

Get on this, people. And fix my system while you're at it.

 

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[1] The Verso is something like a Sienna squished into the wheelbase of a Rav4. I wanted an actual mini-van, but neither Honda nor Toyota sold theirs in Europe.

I never meta post I didn't like

I started writing this entry some nine months before its posting date. Typical.

While re-reading A.S. Byatt's Possession for the umpteenth time, I realized that one of her themes is totally why I've waited as long as I have (three-four years) to start a blog: For whom am I writing? In the Romance (not a Novel, especially when borrowing its preface from Hawthorn's preface to House of the Seven Gables), there are writings for Publication, private Correspondences and personal Journals. Byatt meditates on all three, through the thoughts of the characters as well as via the narrative voice. As one character puts it:

Letters [...] exclude not only the reader as co-writer, or predictor, or guesser, but they exclude the reader as reader; they are written, if they are true letters, for a reader.

—Possession, Ch. 8

Now, I did spend the better part of a year writing weekly newsletters, which were eventually distributed to something like 200+ people during its year-and-a-half of active life. I admit that part of the reason the newsletters stopped was that I'd come back to California with the family, and so a majority of people who got updated on my life via the newsletter could just come visit or phone without have to deal with trans-Atlantic time zone differences and international toll costs.

Also, I'd be less than forthcoming if I didn't mention that it was hard work trying to put the events of the week into some sort of context, or at least come up with a framing device that could transform the snippets from social gatherings, family anecdotes, personal observations and baby pictures into a sort of Narrative. And the pictures were a pain as I felt this drive to organize them by event or time frame, tag them so that the file names would include the names of all the people in them (there really should be a standard for adding meta data, such as tags, to images, like id3 for audio files). This was partly due to a mild tendency to OCD on my part, but it also made it easier to track down specific images when the inevitable requests come in for the full resolution originals.

At some point, I hit the wall on the pictures and the newsletters, which is why there are 11000+ photos from the last three-and-a-half years in my iPhoto library (if I could get my act together, I'd only keep about two months' of pictures in iPhoto, with the rest exported out to folders ordered by event and date) and the most recent newsletter dates from early 2005.

So for a while now I've been thinking: a blog, that's the ticket, that'll help me to clear out iPhoto and finally let people know about our summer vacations, the Balls my wife and I have attended and the continuing adventures of my son. This urge has gotten stronger as I see more and more of my friends blog, though of course it doesn't help that they are also all over the place in terms of Voice and Audience. Many of them using their blogs as a primary source for their families (read: Grandparent types) to keep up with their children. Just as many blog mostly about current events, their non-familial interests and/or their jobs. A much smaller percentage will mix these two, though sometimes they will try to avoid this conflation of Narratives by having different blogs for different people. (Disclosure, I'm doing this as well, or rather, I plan on doing this as I also have another blog which will carry on the tradition from my original newsletters to share family updates. Just as soon as I can get some pictures tagged.)

Well, as you can see, it's still slow going. Wish me luck in keeping this and the other blog updated.